Method in the Madness

Today's coined word: bracketeering, n. The selling of college basketball's national tournament by encouraging pools and betting.

The race goes to the swift

Not feeling too swift today?  Maybe some Tom Swifties will cheer you up.

“Please ring the bell,” she appealed.


“The fire’s going out!” he bellowed.

“That’s my gold mine!” he claimed. “But it was mine!” he exclaimed.

“More steamers all around!” they clamored.

“We’ve taken over the government,” the general cooed.

“You can’t really train a beagle,” he dogmatized. “That’s no beagle, it’s a mongrel,” she muttered.

“I used to be a pilot,” he explained.

“Oh, brother,” Tom said grimly.

“Company’s coming, right?” she guessed.

“I used too much gold paint,” he said guiltily.

“The maid’s off today,” he said helplessly.

“What did you do all day?” he asked her. “Sewed and gardened,” she hemmed and hawed.

“Dawn comes too soon,” she mourned.

“What was that game called with the knife?” mumbled Peg.

“Nothing, nothing,” Tom said naughtily.

“Be sure and see that psychiatrist,” she reminded me.

“But my experiment was a success,” the chemist retorted.

“I wanted chocolate, not vanilla!” I screamed.

“I might as well end it all,” Sue sighed.

“I only subscribe to Newsweek,” he said timelessly.

“Who? What?” said Tom warily.

“I’ll be sure and bequeath it to you,” she said willingly.

“And you lose some,” Tom said winsomely.

Send yourself off in style

   For years, I’ve read the obituaries in local newspapers all over the country. Having been a newspaper writer myself, I’ve often wondered: Why aren’t obituaries more interesting? Why are they preoccupied with details concerning those left behind?

   Death is often the only occasion when one's name is printed in the paper. Why, then, should the departed one not be given his or her due?

   As I’ve learned in writing about the living: Everyone’s life is a story. The dead should be honored, just for having lived. Creating a compelling obituary – telling one’s story concisely but elegantly – is an act of justice.

It's your life--why not have the last word? Write your own obituary--before it's too late!

Give people something to remember you by--the story of your life in your own words. Or you can pay me to use my own deathless ones. (Email me at paulerland@gmail.com.)

Here's an example:  http://www.amazon.com/Frances-Elise-Curtis-Miller-Erland/dp/1466497211/

Famous last words, by trade

Judge: I have no precedent for this.


Believer in reincarnation: Intermission time already?

Childless railroad conductor: End of the line.

Bridge player: I pass.

Gossip: I’m dying to tell someone.

Elevator operator: Going up?

A story played out

Today's ghost phrase:

Ad favreum: adj., Referring specifically to a sports news story -- often brett-takingly trivial to begin with -- reported to the point of absurdity.

Fraternite, egalite, aliteracy

"I see no point in reading." -- Louis XIV of France (1638-1715).

And then there was Louis Quatorze,
For whom all books were great bores;
   No Frenchman of breeding
   Would waste time on reading
While shirking the company of whores.

And how am I today?

Interviewee: "Do I think the situation is irreversible?"
Interviewee: "Absolutely not."
Interviewee: "Do I think we'll have to make some drastic changes in order to reverse things?"
Interviewee: "Absolutely."

No further need for reporters these days
 -- Let's put them all on the shelves;
We'll simply make do with this latter-day craze
Of interviewing ourselves.